I wish I could just explode. Literally. My veins are pulsating and getting bigger and I feel so stressed. I can really feel the weight on my shoulders. Again, I am in that stupid dark place. I feel so ashamed for not being able to pick myself up and let this go and not expose myself in this blog.

Teaching this P6 class is putting a lot of pressure on me. I really am not happy. I just wish I had more time to plan and give the best for them. It does not relieve me that half of them are not serious and are bloody slacking! I seriously am hating my job nowadays. Well not my occupation, but the jobs I have to do, these other "priorities". Why can't I just bloody teach! Some days I admit I feel the adrenaline when I am completing all other tasks because I like my work and the people I work with, other days I just wanna blow everyone off.

Oh do not even ask about my life. As in my social activities. I am seriously turning into a bitch. A sorry ass hostile bitch. I cannot stand thinking about the lack of the other half. I hate the thought of handling relationships and balancing emotions with my work, however, I am frustrated that I am sharing my feelings with myself. At 1am to say the least. Not that I need a guy to vent my frustrations at, I just want to hear "It's okay hey," from someone who matters to me. Oh nevermind.

Yeah. It really dawned on me what a JERK he was. He still is. I am probably never ever going to fall in love again because of him. He totally destroyed and corrupted my trust in guys. And I DO NOT wish him well. Certainly not. He should pay. I cannot shove my insecurities and pessimism because I trusted him too much. Gave him too much credit. He does not deserve whatever happiness he is feeling now. I do not bloody care if you read this, Harith, because you suck. Yeah i sound like a kid, but hell, you're no better. You Are The Devil. Yes. That hollow candle? I want to shove it up your ass while it's still burning.

2008 is so gonna be gr8.
I need an upgr8.

WHAT A MANIC ENTRY THIS IS.

What izit with me with me and my making choices?

I walk alll they way to Somerset so that I can get a seat. Even tho my legs are jelly from all that running etc, then I think I am doing well by letting a one or two almost full buses go, then I get pressured because I dun wanna have a late dinner, compromising my v.good workout and the whatnot other reasons. So what do I do? I take the next bus. I freaking take the next bus. Reason: ohh might as well.

NO! NO! Stop a while and think Khaiyi!

I had earlier decided to walk there to get myself a good deal! Then I give up, or compromise...because of time! and my fears. Darnit!

And I see this analogy happening to many other aspects of my life. Work, relationships, friends, dating, shopping. Frustrating to realise that I am this weak. I may not realise I was giving up ATM until I see a perfect, empty, cosy empty 190 bus a few minutes back that had eventually managed to catch up with my lousy packed bus. Don't even remind me that life is full of suprises, Good things happen to those who wait,

Perseverance and all other words of wisdom. I already know that.

I have to feel more secure of my choices.

on another note: Sadie mentioned I need a white dude to suit my lifestyle. To forget all d "mats" in my life cos they cannot make me happy in the long run. I hate to say that I cant do it cos I think I am afraid of something that might be too good for me. Like my new Marc Ecko watch. hahhaha (I love it tho)

If only I don't have to learn from my mistakes.

She talked abt love today.
How we grow up wishing we had more, we want more, we blame ppl, the government even, when we don't get more. Then we finally get an opportunity to chase the "more" that we were looking for.  We get to live it for a while and we thought "Hey, yeah, this is what I'm talkin abt. My life has never been better,"
But like all things, good or bad, it's gotta end someday. Then we go back to "average". The "more" is never gonna come back. And we figured might as well make the "most" out of it. Then we slowly get to see why we were born in the condition of the "average".
Because we can make the "most" out of it.
Because we underestimate the value and the potential of the average. Because when one is at the top of everything, sometimes the only way is to go down.
And that's why, despite our ambitious odyssey "finding ourselves", going up and down, here and there, inside and out, we somehow always end up near the original point we started our journey at. Kindof like the first line from the book "After The First Death" (I forgot la what exactly! Sorry Mrs Poretti..)
And maybe that's also why, you might still be figuring the link to this entry wrt L.O.V.E. back at square one?
hahaha...yes, National Education kinda love.

I love Singapore.

However, if ur "smart enuff", u might actually understand the metaphor i tried to illustrate. *sigh* lurve

Usually, when humans are confined in a small, moist and dark area, you will witness manifestation and deterioration of the rational thought. However, my friends and I thrive remarkably well in such conditions. Especially after an equally remarkably consistent 2500 calorie count/h routine.

I think, I might, I could be, I think I am. Falling for someone. Finally.

Someone witty, hilarious, down-to-earth, stylish and so...greatly suitable.
Dun wanna jinx it, but I cant help this feeling. Okay I feel like pee-ing. Feeling I wanna go toilet kind- u noe?

Ahh, and timing's perfect too.

Thank You Linda.

oh after sooo long!

so: warning, it's time to be a big girl now. this might be quite TMI for some

first. i graduated today. it was real nice n all nice. i'm v.happy alll my wonderful pals r ther, n of cos my gorgeous mom too. she was awesome, everyone loved her ther, esp wat she asked fariz. my gosh.
so anyways. tt's a chapter closed. alhamdullillah =) insyallah will be a sequel, a step up heheh

next. thinkin abt d gradn made me rmbr wat someone said to me. someone sepetcial. Harith. mann tt sounds like when harry mentioned voldemort's name. shocking.

yeah. him. not voldemort... i kindof wished he was ther, i dunno y mayb it was d emotions, with me starting NIE wit him so i kindof hoped for a full circle perhaps. mayb it was d NTU location, mayb it was d date, mayb it was somethin he said before, tt he wanted to come to my gradn. i dunno, really.

but ya, i wanna say a piece abt him. its useless cos only i read this log n seriously i wdnt forget abt him so thers no need to put this on record, but i juz want to. i wanna say i'm really okay now, but honestly..? right now it's a yo-yo thing for me. but most days i get thru it, i go day-by-day fyi. so. i've got some perspectives like i mentioned. reading 3 books in 2mths is no mean feat okayy esp for lazy-ass me. i really wanna put all this behind me but i juz cant stop d little candle i light inside for him. i noe its gonna burn out one day but i cant find d heart to stop d oxygen wastage n blow it out myself. i really hv to yeah? it's not good for me, this baggage. hahahah nvm, i juz got a double meaning.
focus. a fren asked me, "do i hate him", i said "no, should i?", cos truth is, i cant. cos all this while it has been really good. tho he really did dump me, for a well..another person(still urrggh-ing til now, w/e), but i juz cant imagine gorging his eyes out thru his ears! haha..he was real nice to me u noe. mayb it was me, mayb it was fate. mayb it's denial, n yes. i was in denial for quite a while, which is defined as passive anger in one of d books i read. anger. mann tts a strong word for me. i didnt realise i was ever angry. sad yes. broken, uh-huh, rock-bottom, of cos, but nvr anger. but then i realised i actually was. but its okay, i guess i'm human.
u noe wat i regrer(hate using this word) is not really seizing d moment when i was with him. really it was so easy then, i forgot abt time. then i went thru "wishing for one more day" phase, "have faith" phase, "move along" phase. really it wasnt becos i didnt hv plans with him or for us, i did, but understanding wher he was at his place in his life now, i didnt wanna pressure him. i wish i had been more actively communicating then. i guess it flew by already.

being closer to camie n aishah now feels odd sometimes. they're soo gr8 to be wit, n i wonder y i only became close now. n i hope he doesnt think imma stalker-britney-style. i wanna get over him i told ppl i'm almost ther, he has moved away n on u noe.. got wat he wanted i pray, but i dun wish to noe also cos i think i'd be affected n wd hv to go thru d emo ride alll over again. enuff puking sap. --but he is one fine memory. a memory.
Harith, ur a good fella u noe? i associate many good things with u, n ur hella fun as well. i was so sure i had done it good when we were togets, and i'm hoping i'd do it again now we're not togets. ok which means, i dedicate d person i've become to us. u shaped me into an adult i wanted to be, 21 was a good yr to hv met u. now i'm all grown-up, opened-up and i'm speaking-up and hoping i wont slip-up anytime fr now. i look back sometimes trying to analyse d loopholes n wat not, hoping rule no.4 is true.
i'm sorry to hv put u thru a heavy draggy break-up. d clingy phonecalls, crying like a goth-girl tattoo, simply HOLDING ON. it wasnt pleasant i noe n i was foolish to do so. i'm sorry. but of cos i'm sorrier for myself for not letting go, it made d cut deeper d process longer. mayb i wasnt prepared. it was a blindsided move. u swept me off my feet n then i fell hard on my lousy butt. to me yes. it feels like tt. u came and then u were gone..my mouth is left opened, quite clueless tt it's over. mayb it wd hv been better if we actually MET n sat down before finalising our closure, mayb d phonecall annullment wasnt enough for me, d confusion, d hope bursting, blackout period. n i couldnt help it. felt like shit n i didnt realised i've finished d whole plate. seriously i woner why sometimes still. but hey it wasnt up to me so i came to understand.

no-no. i'm not going down-down here, those r "if only-s", i noe its over n he'd never ever be my seluar pendek anymore. juz for d record, i want to emphasise how high i place him, despite d episode. i'm not a Jennifer, cos she is not a Angelina definitely. tho ppl say i do hv d aniston-effect, which i accept =) hahaah
Harith has made quite an impact on my life, influenced me quite a bit, n may juz be quite d most charming guy i've ever dated. he noes tt it was real easy to fall in love with him, n naturally, love lasts. only now i gotta love him in black n white, not full colour.
Harith was a movie-script, a fairy tale i had d chance to live. it was a dream come true. i always kept our love in my pocket, a love song i could relate to almost allways always. i see him in many places i go to cos i've always n it's a habit. H had it all basically, tts how i see him.
like i told Imr, some ppl are meant to be friends forever, some are soulmates. but with Harith, i cant categorise, we aint of d same backgrd, but we clicked, was deep n calm but it needed more, right Harith? was amazing how we even stayed so intimate n in love despite me being fr d JI-ghetto n you, uni-yuppie, i'l always cherish our unity in diversity (oh man thinkin ab work now) hahaha, but really we cant be just friends. so tts y, i had to erase u fr my physical contact, i have to heal. ur like a pill i need to get off on.
(my sepet,) it was wonderful and i'm grateful i was ever a part of ur life. n even more honoured u wanted to be in mine. again, there can only be one you, n for once, one was enough for me

i love my mom, thanx for saying wat u did juz now when i finally confessed abt my situation with sepet, it was bitchy but it made me smile, u always "fart" at tense moments...
Imr =) for ur pillar- u ARE Ross n meaning every promise u said i still adore u for tt, frens(esp syahi, i <3 how u TC of me), yayah my Dr Phil, n livejournal- for d space, (www)

dun laugh ah. this is me, stripped. turn off d lights.

hi

a million words could never articulate what i am trying to say, then again i was never good with words.
so many perspectives, its deep yet meaningless. i could use a real expert, not that it's help tho.
however.
i have learnt lessons. lessons. yes, more than one, hahaha i hope i can remember them or rule no.4 could prove to be in fact true. i am chasing grace. now that's ironic. chasing grace. darn. i'm still a beginner forgiver...hahahah

one day i bet i'm gonna read this and then knock my own head. what was i? hahaha i'll know when i read this later. memories makeshift life's gifts, not always on my wishlist but things i can use and really things i need that only i don't see i need. i have to start talking to myself more. then i can learn to listen. haha

but then again, who is? hahaha

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life


================================================================================================

so. the constants in my life have been changing a lot lately. so i guess i'm not wrong if i said 2007 has a lot in store for me. hahaha i let my guard down again n got bitten again. never thought i would have to leave, but hey i guess it may be better, sometimes mayb. hopefully.

(oh dear safe comfortable road i used to tread on ever so carefreely and carelessly, i'm gonna leave you now. i hope to see ya again...in a few years! meet me somewher k? i dun really like living on d edge all the time.)

oh n readers. (macam betul!) tt song i posted, it's really beautiful. make yourself listen to it ok? one day u might like it too~

yours, mine, ours

u noe d feeling when u hv butterflies in ur tummy? this song gives me tt, n i will feel d urge to u noe wat in d toilet. romance brings out d best and worst in people sometimes.

u-noe-wat can be yours, if u want.

ps/ if u noe d guy's(model) name, lemme noe, he's too hot

note to self: this is abt d fifth time u've deleted ur own entry. an entry u typed out fr d heart, wit a lotta heart. hahah...gosh! i'm stupid la! rite yayah, doda and yeah mayb u. sonce ur reading this u might noe me. i dunno fr wher also.

anyways..tts wat journals r for. for me! i'll always remember wat i wrote.. sorry u couldnt read it, quite boring n longwinded also. damn! i shudda saved it anyways, so i's more readership as d losoh jounal-er.

oh ok, note. i am v.feeling indon lyrics today. guess its d hopeless romantic in me, but it's a nice calm feeling i'll always remember feeling. i love feeling calm. like manja when she's sleeping in d early morn...

Aku Untukmu. hahhaa!!